Memorial Day never mattered much to me until Elizabeth came on the scene.
But I love taking the children to the cemetery and discussing the eternal nature of families. Elizabeth is and always will be part of our family.
I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part.
God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart.
- Author Unknown
I've had a really hard time missing Elizabeth this year. So, as part of my efforts to make peace with her absence on earth, we wrote letters to Elizabeth.
Each of us wrote a letter or drew a picture to send to Elizabeth. Then we tied them to balloons.
We went to the cemetery as a family. We talked about the plan of salvation and resurrection.
The activity was harder for Doug than he thought it would be.
I cried and cried and hugged my little ones.
Here we are. Sending Elizabeth's letters in 3....2....1....
Rachel's and Doug's soared high into the heavens and out of sight.
Joe's and mine never made it past the tree.
I had spent a lot of time writing my letter. And even though I knew that my letter would fly into the sky and land in a stranger's yard, I was heartbroken when it was eaten by the tree. I cried some more. Then these 2 little angels cheered me up. The next day I printed my letter again, bought balloons and sent my letter from our yard. I'm sure she visits our house more than the cemetery anyway.
I don't have much to say about Memorial Day. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that, Memorial Day is a celebration that occurs within our hearts. We visit the graves of our family. We tenderly celebrate their lives. And then, often, we get together as families and celebrate the living. Our hearts were especially full this year.
Doug and Rachel cleaned off Elizabeth's headstone.
We talked to Rachel about the temple, the plan of salvation, and her big sister.
She understood more this year than last.
We posed with the children when we could. Rachel was very busy looking at all the flowers and other trinkets left for beloved babies. She didn't want to be bothered with the camera.
It was the "group" photo that really got to me. This was the closest I would be, on this earth, to having all 3 of my kids together physically. The ache that enveloped my heart was deep and thick. The spirit was strong. And the tears flowed freely.
We miss Elizabeth.
We take comfort in knowing that we will be reunited again someday.
Doug and I started a tradition when we were expecting our first baby, Elizabeth. We obtained a recording of Elizabeth's heartbeat. Then we went and built a bear with a sound box in the chest. Every time you press the button you can hear Elizabeth's heartbeat.
The idea was that the next time we got pregnant, Elizabeth would be able to help make the next animal. It was with mixed excitement and grief that we went to the Build-a-Bear workshop in 2009 to make an animal for Rachel. Again, we obtained a recording of her heartbeat to personalize it even more.
So on January 22nd we returned for the 3rd time to build a bear for our unborn child. This time Rachel took a leading role in helping make this special toy for Joseph.
She took her time and inspected all of the options.
We helped her choose a little dog for Joseph.
And we allowed her to choose a new teddy bear for herself. It's hard for a 1 year old to make a toy for someone else and not get to play with it.
She loved exploring the stuffing machine.
She was entranced by it.
Enthralled...until it whirred to life.
She kissed the heart going into her brother's puppy. Then she watched as her teddy and Joseph's dog were brought to life.
The air blasting out of the nozzles at the washing station made her nervous.
But she liked brushing her bear.
She looked on in wonder as I dressed the dog in his new overalls.
Then she went in search of accessories for herself.
She was happy with her new teddy bear.
We were thrilled to have a 3rd heartbeat to add to our collection.
This is everything you ever wanted to know about pregnancy and me. Probably more than you want to know.
You would think that by the 3rd pregnancy everything would be old hat. But, they tell me that just like every child is unique, every pregnancy is different.
With Elizabeth I was sick most of the time. With Rachel I had about a 2 month reprieve. This time the majority of the morning sickness was confined to the first trimester. But, I didn't get out of jail free. I was blindsided by a random increase in allergies. I've even been allergic to my own "hypoallergenic" dog. If I get around dogs or cats or even someone that has a lot of pet hair on them I have horrible asthma problems. I had asthma as a kid. But I've been free of asthma for about 15 years. That is until this pregnancy. I went through about 3 months of horrible nasal stuffiness. I couldn't breath for the life of me. I began to wish for morning sickness as a trade.
Every pregnancy has brought on a sensitivity to smells. Different smells each time. With Elizabeth I couldn't stand hashbrowns. This time I am sensitive to perfumes, hairsprays and especially Doug's deoderant.
Cravings have been different too. With Elizabeth I wanted fried rice, mashed potatoes mixed with corn, and pizza. With Rachel I could hardly stomach fried rice. I wanted salsa, salsa and more salsa. This time cravings were one of the first hints of pregnancy. I ate onion dip until I wreaked of onions. I wanted buttered bread with extra salt. Yes, I salted my buttered bread. I wanted popcorn with extra butter and salt. Otherwise I wanted cinnamon. I ate rice with milk, sugar and cinnamon and couldn't get enough of Cinnamon Oatmeal Squares cereal. Gestational diabetes throws a wrench in cravings. Now I just wish I could eat more carbs and less protein.
Each pregnancy has been different when it comes to feeling the baby move. Elizabeth had limited movement in some of her joints. Plus with polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) she had lots of extra padding. At 6 months along my uterus had grown to the size of 9 months because of the fluid. I've been told that the child determines the type of pregnancy you have. Elizabeth had broken bones in the uterus. She must have needed the extra fluid. Rachel was a different story. I felt her a lot earlier than Elizabeth. Doug was able to feel her more often. But, it still wasn't like the folk talesI had heard. I couldn't distinguish the movement of a hand or foot. This pregnancy has been amazing in the movement arena. I began to feel Joseph's fluttering at about 13 weeks. Doug could feel him before 20 weeks were up. At 30 weeks he can be shocking. Sometimes he can even keep me up at night. He really likes to be up between 9:30pm and 1:00am. When he gets really kicking I often think of this old commercial.
Part of the difference in feeling Joseph's movement is that I have a low-lying placenta. The placenta offers no cushion to my organs or uterine wall. Luckily, that is really the only significant thing for me regarding low-lying placenta. Why? That all goes back to Elizabeth. When Elizabeth was born they thought she had Osteogenesis imperfecta (broken bone syndrome). So when I went into labor they did an emergency c-section with a vertical incision as well as an extra wide horizontal one so they could just lift her out. Now I am not allowed to labor. The vertical incision puts me in danger. They are planning on bringing Joseph at 37 weeks to avoid any problems with labor or placenta issues. My official due date is March 28th. But, the current tentative date is March 7th. In 2 more weeks we will be able to actually schedule his birth. I must admit that I miss the element of surprise when it comes to my child's birth date.
I have full bladder control this pregnancy. I wasn't so lucky with Rachel. I know, TMI.
When I was pregnant with Rachel my belly button was pushed to the edge but never fully popped. I am already pushing the limits of my belly button. I kind of hope I "pop" this time.
I have to be very careful about my activity level. If I do too much I get horrible Braxton-Hicks contractions. Sometimes just going to church can be too much.
With Elizabeth I was borderline gestational diabetes. With Rachel I was on insulin at about 28 weeks. This time we just assume I have gestational diabetes. They aren't making me take that horrible 3 hour test. Hurray! But, I take my blood sugar 4 times a day. I've been on metformin this pregnancy and that has helped keep my sugars under control. It's likely that I will end up on insulin again before I'm through. But, I'm grateful for each week that I don't have to have shots. I'm a wimp. I hate needles.
The other major difference has to do with weight gain. With Elizabeth I gained 65 pounds. Yikes! I'm still carrying some of those pounds. With Rachel I gained about 30 pounds. Luckily I was able to lose all of those pounds before Rachel was 6 weeks old. I have gained about 17 pounds so far. Hopefully I can keep weight gain to 20 or 25 pounds.
We are so excited that we are having a baby boy. It has been really fun to buy little boy clothes with trucks and tools in the color blue. Meanwhile I have a ton to do, clean and organize before Joseph arrives. I know that I won't get everything done but I can do as much as I can.
I am so grateful that I have been able to have these 3 kids. I can't imagine my life without them. No matter how torturous, I am thankful for my pregnancies.
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